All posts tagged heart

The Change

by Sarosh Waiz on February 27, 2006 in Random with No comments

Why does everything seems so weird? Why am I being so unnatural? What is going wrong? Why are there butterflies in my stomach? Is everthing meant to be how it is? What is happening to me? What am I trying to hide? What am I trying to fabricate myself? Was I the same since ever? Where am I going? I dont know! I’m just confused… I can’t say what is happening to me!

Maybe I am transforming into someone I used to be! But I don’t want to be someone who suffered so much… Maybe I fabricate my actual image of what I am… or maybe have I transformed into a completely different being! I was never so dark! I was never so dull! I was never aggressive! I was never hot tempered! I was never anyone who, ever wanted to be bad! I just dont know what has happened to me. Maybe the bad things that I faced, led me to become completely different, not because I wanted to be that way. But because, I was scared of of getting hurt! I was scared whenever I thought of becoming neglected! And then maybe I decided to neglect everyone my ownself…

I dont know whether it was a right decision. But what could I have done. Its just the weird thinking process that I have. I hold it responsible for whoever I am. I am not someone who is not thankful to God of whatever he possesses. I am very thankful, and would always be. And I am not hungry or greedy for somethings that people usually run for. I just want to achieve something that no common man has. And I know I can do it! But not until I reshape myself completely. I often see things going strangely for me, but I have to be someone who accepts them as they are. I accept my mistakes as well. I know at times things mainly go wrong coz of a person’s own mishaps.

It was today, the 27th day of January of the year 2006, that someone unintentionally made me realize where I stand. I am extremely thankful to that person for showing me my image in the mirror and breaking it for me. That person might not even know what that has done to me. But from today … I start … the process of Re-transforming myself, my image, my thinking, and … my fate!

Signing out …
the old … Sarosh Waiz!

saroshwaiz.blogspot.com

The Continuation..

by Sarosh Waiz on February 11, 2006 in Random with No comments

Greetings …

So here I am once again, deciding to write something to help myself. Help myself to spill over my weird thoughts on this blog right away! This would help me feel better somehow. But how effective would this be? Maybe a day? Or a couple of hours? Or a minute? Or maybe… not even a bit! But atleast it would help me to get things straight for me, because I would be able to untangle all the weird things that I keep thinking…

I’ve been into this kind of mental state since long … and according to me, thinking is not a bad thing to do… maybe that’s why I became a loner for a certain period of my life… though I never wanted to become one … maybe it was because of the neglection I faced since the beginning … but I guess now, I am used to it! I am not a type of a person who literally runs away from people. But at times, I just do that coz I cannot stand certain things. Defining certain things for me would be strange though … but I’d rather call these certain things as lies, back stabbing or maybe betrayal. And when any of such things happen with me… I go into a depression state… this happens everytime I get hurt … maybe because I really care for some people … and I cant help doing that and trusting people… but I realized that not all people are worthy of that … so a time came when I started to restrict my social life, and I stopped talking to everyone … but for me that wasnt the cure .. because I needed a bigger social circle … to get over with my stupid mental state …

Then I moved on to know people… but I still am afraid to make friends … and to go closer in knowing people … because I dont want that burning pain in my chest again of being heart broken, I am a very emotional & sensitive person, like most of the people …… The pain burns you for days … and you get the worst feeling of being hurt and betrayed… I dont want that anymore … I’ve had that too many times … I dont even want to hurt anyone … even if I crack a joke at someone … I feel guilty … and I always apologize from the depth of my heart … even if I know the person or not … so why do people do it to me? And the answer that I figured out is … the world is like that … you gotta be tough … and dont trust anyone …

But still I cant help it …

But somehow I feel and notice that things are starting to change for me. I am feeling lively again, like I once used to be … I have a bunch of new people that I know … and I guess they are making the difference … but it is still too early to say anything …

saroshwaiz.blogspot.com