All posts tagged feelings

The Change

by Sarosh Waiz on February 27, 2006 in Random with No comments

Why does everything seems so weird? Why am I being so unnatural? What is going wrong? Why are there butterflies in my stomach? Is everthing meant to be how it is? What is happening to me? What am I trying to hide? What am I trying to fabricate myself? Was I the same since ever? Where am I going? I dont know! I’m just confused… I can’t say what is happening to me!

Maybe I am transforming into someone I used to be! But I don’t want to be someone who suffered so much… Maybe I fabricate my actual image of what I am… or maybe have I transformed into a completely different being! I was never so dark! I was never so dull! I was never aggressive! I was never hot tempered! I was never anyone who, ever wanted to be bad! I just dont know what has happened to me. Maybe the bad things that I faced, led me to become completely different, not because I wanted to be that way. But because, I was scared of of getting hurt! I was scared whenever I thought of becoming neglected! And then maybe I decided to neglect everyone my ownself…

I dont know whether it was a right decision. But what could I have done. Its just the weird thinking process that I have. I hold it responsible for whoever I am. I am not someone who is not thankful to God of whatever he possesses. I am very thankful, and would always be. And I am not hungry or greedy for somethings that people usually run for. I just want to achieve something that no common man has. And I know I can do it! But not until I reshape myself completely. I often see things going strangely for me, but I have to be someone who accepts them as they are. I accept my mistakes as well. I know at times things mainly go wrong coz of a person’s own mishaps.

It was today, the 27th day of January of the year 2006, that someone unintentionally made me realize where I stand. I am extremely thankful to that person for showing me my image in the mirror and breaking it for me. That person might not even know what that has done to me. But from today … I start … the process of Re-transforming myself, my image, my thinking, and … my fate!

Signing out …
the old … Sarosh Waiz!

saroshwaiz.blogspot.com

The Continuation..

by Sarosh Waiz on February 11, 2006 in Random with No comments

Greetings …

So here I am once again, deciding to write something to help myself. Help myself to spill over my weird thoughts on this blog right away! This would help me feel better somehow. But how effective would this be? Maybe a day? Or a couple of hours? Or a minute? Or maybe… not even a bit! But atleast it would help me to get things straight for me, because I would be able to untangle all the weird things that I keep thinking…

I’ve been into this kind of mental state since long … and according to me, thinking is not a bad thing to do… maybe that’s why I became a loner for a certain period of my life… though I never wanted to become one … maybe it was because of the neglection I faced since the beginning … but I guess now, I am used to it! I am not a type of a person who literally runs away from people. But at times, I just do that coz I cannot stand certain things. Defining certain things for me would be strange though … but I’d rather call these certain things as lies, back stabbing or maybe betrayal. And when any of such things happen with me… I go into a depression state… this happens everytime I get hurt … maybe because I really care for some people … and I cant help doing that and trusting people… but I realized that not all people are worthy of that … so a time came when I started to restrict my social life, and I stopped talking to everyone … but for me that wasnt the cure .. because I needed a bigger social circle … to get over with my stupid mental state …

Then I moved on to know people… but I still am afraid to make friends … and to go closer in knowing people … because I dont want that burning pain in my chest again of being heart broken, I am a very emotional & sensitive person, like most of the people …… The pain burns you for days … and you get the worst feeling of being hurt and betrayed… I dont want that anymore … I’ve had that too many times … I dont even want to hurt anyone … even if I crack a joke at someone … I feel guilty … and I always apologize from the depth of my heart … even if I know the person or not … so why do people do it to me? And the answer that I figured out is … the world is like that … you gotta be tough … and dont trust anyone …

But still I cant help it …

But somehow I feel and notice that things are starting to change for me. I am feeling lively again, like I once used to be … I have a bunch of new people that I know … and I guess they are making the difference … but it is still too early to say anything …

saroshwaiz.blogspot.com

The Warning

by Sarosh Waiz on February 7, 2006 in Random with No comments

WARNING: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION AVAILABLE FROM THE DEPTH OF MY SOUL, MY MIND AND MY HEART. YOU BETTER CLICK THE BACK BUTTON OF YOUR BROWSER IF YOU ARE HERE BY MISTAKE OR BY ANY EVIL INTENTION. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY WITH SOMEONE’S FEELINGS. STAY HERE ONLY IF YOU ARE CONCERNED, BECAUSE I DEDICATE THIS PAGE TO “ME, MYSELF AND MY IMAGINATION!”

Today, the 7th day of February in the year 2006 A.D. , I Sarosh Waiz (nicknamed Sash) have decided to start a blog, for myself, for some people who I have faith in, and for anyone who is even slightly interested in knowing of how a strange person I really am. I don’t intend to tell the world of what I think, and I don’t even want any unconcerned people trying to peek in.

I don’t know of how people perceive of “how i behave” and “what type of a character am I”, and I don’t really care about that. Or maybe I do. But does it matters to anyone? I don’t think so! And it doesnt even makes any difference to me, or maybe I just try to neglect it. Even if it does make any difference, what is the point of caring for anyone? And anyways who cares for anyone in a fast changing world of today, its just a waste of time and energy, unless you have some in extra stock! I laugh out loud when I see the selfish desires of people around, but at times, I’m just happy from the outer side of my skin, who cares what’s burning towards the inner side. And why should they? Atleast they are getting their work done. But maybe that’s what are they here for, to get work done out of people by faking and playing with their feelings. Its all about targeting personal goals! And personal goals are selfish. Everyone has the right to acheive what they want! Who cares what’s right and what’s wrong, though many people are experts and standing up and giving lectures of what’s right and wrong. That’s a different story if they don’t follow it themselves!

I maybe right. I maybe wrong. I may even offend people with what I write. But if you are offended, you are always welcome to click the small “x” on the upper right corner of your monitor screen. But it won’t stop me from thinking. I shall keep doing it till whenever I want. Till I correct whatever is wrong. Till I acheive what I want (But never by tricking anyone). Maybe till I’m alive … until my last breath!

At times I feel, I’m also turning into a selfish monster like other people around. But I just hope and pray, I never become one! Maybe I am the misfit here. Or maybe I think alot. But I do have the right to get over with the burning feeling of my broken heart. And no one has the right to stop me from that! But I promise, all that I speak and tell here would be from what I have seen, experienced and learned! I shall speak no wrong! It’s all that’s true, but no one ever wants to talk about it, or maybe no one wants to accept it.

I’m not a part of some different species. I am also a human like all the people of this world. I also have a heart that beats. I also have feelings like everyone does. I also cry when I get hurt. And I also have a God-gifted brain to think. But the only problem I have is, that I think to get solutions out of every problem that exists. I just can’t get over certain things that happen, so easily. And that makes me one of the most disturbed people.

So… Here I am. With Me. With Myself. And With My Imagination. Sitting in My Small Room, located on the 2nd Floor, in front of my monitor’s screen. Trying to find out. Trying to look for. Trying to seek for a ray of light, that might help me know who I really am. What makes me the weirdly different type, that I don’t understand. And what led me to become what I am today…

saroshwaiz.blogspot.com